this is going to be a personal and long entry, packed with my feelings and all of that mess. obviously because this is a blog, anyone can read, but if you are not into reading about my issues today... you may want to stop now.
i have finally came to a part in my pregnancy that i cannot stand... the EMOTIONAL part.
i have felt like a complete emotional wreck for the past few weeks. i feel like all i have done is cried about, or over-analyzed everything that has been thrown at me here lately. I'm pretty sure that i have cried more times in the past few weeks than i have in my entire life. i have been crying over everything from sappy dog adoption commercials to completely off the wall thoughts that just pop in my head. i don't even know where to start to try to fix it either.
what sparked this post was me laying at the top of my staircase today for over an hour because i felt sick after eating lunch, but the strange thing is that the sick feeling went away after about 10 minutes and i still continued to lay there. i felt drained and defeated. i feel like my life could fall apart at any moment and that scares me to death. i used to think that i had my whole life planned out, and sometimes now, I'm not so sure. its so hard for me to admit that and talk about my emotions and feelings because i don't like to cause unnecessary drama in my life. i always feel like i am overreacting, and i keep it all balled inside. i have always done this, and i have no idea why.
i don't feel like i have had a true best girl friend since i was in high school, and i think that this plays a part in my emotions running so high here lately. i don't have anyone to talk baby talk with, someone to share my secrets with or someone to just call me up and see how i am doing. i miss having that so much. cj does the best that he can to fill that void for me, but sometimes, it is just not enough. he has been such a great boyfriend, fiance and husband to me before the pregnancy and now. he goes to every doctors appointment with me, he gets me what i want and lends as much support to me that he possibly can. i cherish him so much for this! words could never even come close to expressing how much i love and respect him.
i am just so emotionally drained right now, that I am about to lose my mind. i just wish i had all of the answers to all of the questions that i have running through my mind these days. I'm no fool, i know that will never happen, but a girl can dream right?
i just want the old me back.