July 26, 2009

if you find the old me, can you tell her i am looking for her.

this is going to be a personal and long entry, packed with my feelings and all of that mess. obviously because this is a blog, anyone can read, but if you are not into reading about my issues today... you may want to stop now.

i have finally came to a part in my pregnancy that i cannot stand... the EMOTIONAL part.

i have felt like a complete emotional wreck for the past few weeks. i feel like all i have done is cried about, or over-analyzed everything that has been thrown at me here lately. I'm pretty sure that i have cried more times in the past few weeks than i have in my entire life. i have been crying over everything from sappy dog adoption commercials to completely off the wall thoughts that just pop in my head. i don't even know where to start to try to fix it either.

what sparked this post was me laying at the top of my staircase today for over an hour because i felt sick after eating lunch, but the strange thing is that the sick feeling went away after about 10 minutes and i still continued to lay there. i felt drained and defeated. i feel like my life could fall apart at any moment and that scares me to death. i used to think that i had my whole life planned out, and sometimes now, I'm not so sure. its so hard for me to admit that and talk about my emotions and feelings because i don't like to cause unnecessary drama in my life. i always feel like i am overreacting, and i keep it all balled inside. i have always done this, and i have no idea why.

i don't feel like i have had a true best girl friend since i was in high school, and i think that this plays a part in my emotions running so high here lately. i don't have anyone to talk baby talk with, someone to share my secrets with or someone to just call me up and see how i am doing. i miss having that so much. cj does the best that he can to fill that void for me, but sometimes, it is just not enough. he has been such a great boyfriend, fiance and husband to me before the pregnancy and now. he goes to every doctors appointment with me, he gets me what i want and lends as much support to me that he possibly can. i cherish him so much for this! words could never even come close to expressing how much i love and respect him.

i am just so emotionally drained right now, that I am about to lose my mind. i just wish i had all of the answers to all of the questions that i have running through my mind these days. I'm no fool, i know that will never happen, but a girl can dream right?

i just want the old me back.


  1. Crystal
    I was in the same shoes as you when I was pregnant. Except a few years younger and not married. You know I am always a phone call away. I will help answer anything I possibly can. The emotions will be over soon, and your baby girl will be in your arms.
    Call me whenever! We could do lunch or something on the weekend.

  2. I'm so sorry about this rough patch you're going through. As retardedly fake as it sounds, I went through the same thing when I was pregnant. I was the first of all my friends who had become pregnant so none of them knew what I was needing/going through and they totally withdrew from the friendship. It hurt and totally sucked, but I was always thankful for my geeky little online relationships. Mommy bloggers are the best support ever, seriously.

    If you ever need an ear, I'm here! Chances are, I'm 80 times more emo than you ever will be. No judgment. :) Love you!

  3. It will all be over before you know it, and you'll be so blessed with beautiful Baby V. You've got my number if you need me! :-)

  4. I don't know how I linked to your blog, but I somehow ended up here! Have you thought about going to talk to a counselor of some sort? I found it to be really helpful for me when I was going through the emotional roller-coaster of pregnancy, and then after my twins were born, as I adjusted to being a mom and dealing with their prematurity, etc. Just something to think about! Hang in there -- have you thought about joining a moms' group? I found the support of other mothers to be absolutely amazing! Good luck!

  5. Have no worries. I too felt isolated when I was pregnant. The few friends we did have either 1. didnt have kids and didnt understand or 2. wanted kids and wouldn't talk to us because of their jelousy. Fun huh? No matter how you looked at it was the same, I felt alone. I wanted to call everyone we knew who had kids and ask a billion questions. But they were never around or available to talk. I think the online baby boards were my only outlet. Still, I wish I had friends and Im not even pregnant anymore. Its hard to find good friends. I will be your friend! :)

  6. This is all so normal. It sucks, but its normal. When I was this far along and emotional I would take a 45 minute walk. When I got home all my worries were completely gone.

    And on the friendship thing, I recently lost a friendship I thought was my "best friend" over something stupid. Sometimes even when people think and say they have a best friend, they don't. Its really lonely!